COME back, Monty, all is forgiven.
We need you and miss you. God, do we miss you – even the tantrums; the explosive rages; the unreasonable tirades.
The European Tour just isn’t the same without you. Our loss is the Senior Tour’s gain.
There’s no fun anymore; no-one to bate. Whereas, once the sight of you advancing on the Press pack struck terror in the hearts of the weaker willed, nowadays post-round media conferences are largely dull and unexciting.
Yes, never a dull moment and never, ever a shortage of quotes. Monty, I turned you into a cottage industry and made a nice little earner reporting on your many and varied exploits on golf courses for a couple of decades and more.
What wouldn’t I give for another glimpse of that famous expression of yours: you know, the one where you do a very passable impersonation of a warthog licking piss off a nettle!
I couldn’t help noticing that you’ve added a pound or two to your already sizeable girth. But, what the hell, you only live once. Even if there are those who preach that one should eat to live rather than the other way round, why not enjoy a bacon roll or three washed down by a couple of tins of fat Coke for breakfast?
After all, you’re the man who put the B in beef burger and the K in Kit-Kat.
Tiger, it would seem, can’t stay away from the gym. You, on the other hand, would need to lie down in a darkened room if you caught even the slightest whiff of liniment.
But, have you noticed, Monty? Tiger can’t even get himself fit enough to play, let alone win tournaments. You, meanwhile, can’t stop winning these days.
What does that tell you, Monty? Yes, correct, Fat Boys do have all the fun.
Seriously, though, what’s the secret? There you were, six years without a win and now they are coming at a rate approximating Glasgow buses since deregulation.
What is it, four victories in just five appearances on the European Senior Tour this year and runner-up in the other?
Not even when you were at your peak in the late 1990s could you win with such astonishing regularity.
A quarter of a century trying to win the regular major that cruelly eluded you five times and then two come along almost at once – a bit like those Glasgow buses, I suppose.
Okay, so the Senior PGA Championship and the US Senior Open aren’t the Claret Jug, the Green Jacket, the US Open or the US PGA Championship, but they’ll do nicely, all the same.
You know how you stated in your second autobiography that you would very probably win all five senior majors and we scoffed. Well, who’s scoffing now?
You also said recently that you’re playing as well now as you did at the peak of your career on the regular tour. Who can argue?
Having won the Travis Perkins Masters at Woburn earlier this month by a record 10 shots and retained the trophy, before also adding the Russian Open to your collection, it appears at the age of 51, record breaking is a habit you find hard to rid yourself of.
It’s a pity you don’t have a part to play at Gleneagles, for I am sure your presence would have assured Europe of victory.
Still, who needs the Ryder Cup, eh Monty?
PICTURE COURTESY OF: Jeff Holmes Pix